Getting back to my routine writing

Well! Yes! It’s been quite of a ride till now. Chasing my dreams and aspirations on my bucket list and crossing them through. I am happy at this point of time, and till the time, I am not sure what I will pick up for my next goals/term, I decide to take a step back, sit and do what I do the best and do what I missed the most all this while. To sit and write.

And what better way than, starting over with my blog, which was one of the things I started, when I started to write.

Things on the internet are crazy. At times I am compelled to look at the future and be so full of preconceived notions of success and fame that I lose a track of this… this thing which is called hard work. Not that I don’t do that, but then as they say about our generation “We are interested in quick results.” Which means, we keep looking for shortcuts.

It took me nearly 2 years, to sink in the thought and feeling of working on myself. And working on my thoughts. And working on my ideas. Now, it’s not just about success, but about making myself a better me and a better version of whatever I do. For I want to learn. And trust me, nothing’s worth it, if it’s not the hard way round.

Coming back from what I’ve done by far, I am happy at this moment. The feeling of working and working hard for my dreams, has just come alive. Nothing like, it wasn’t alive before but now it’s much stronger. And I am happy to discover it. This feeling, this change, I wish lasts long and I come back to forum and write like before. <3 o:p="">

Tears of Joy!!!

If it was a dream, I wish to sleep forever and live it again and again. If it was real, I wish it to happen to me all over again.

I can still remember the time when I actually compiled my very first novel after working on it day and night for about 8 days in a row. As I go back and dig my drafts of my mail-box, I can see one of the very earliest drafts saved on the name of “novel-rough draft” dated 23^rd march, 2011. One year from then, I fought with myself, changed my mood almost daily... forget daily, every moment arguing with myself to either continue or not to continue with the novel. But, ultimately, in the end, even after one complete year, after endless fights with my inner soul, I had something ready with me which could be read by somebody and called like a very short novel- just some 37 thousand words long.

Not knowing what to do further, I thought to give it a try by sending it to publishers across the country. Slowly, I started receiving their replies... at times no replies. I was worried for some time, wondering if my skills were good enough to be published and presented in the market?!!

I used to give up... every third day, I would sit silently analyzing myself, analyzing what I want out of what I am doing. I would wonder if putting in efforts in what I write is worth enough. I wondered if ever I’ll go further in this field or not. I wondered if ever I’ll be able to make it big or not.

Months passed by... I started losing hope yet again. I would not touch my pen and diary or even my laptop and open the word document to write down anything for weeks. But then, there was something with me and my writing that I couldn’t resist. Somehow, after a few days, writing used to drag me to itself. It is captivating in that sense, sort of hypnotises me and I used to sit down again and think as a writer and write down something or the other. This continued for a while, until one day I thought to decide what I want out of all this?

I asked myself, if ever I’ll be able to live without writing? And the prompt answer that my inner-self shot on me was a “NO! NEVER!” For I know that I express well when I write. Thinking I’ll be able to give a halt to such desires, I enrolled myself to a distance-learning creative writing course. The day my course material arrived home, I was crazy... I was almost dancing like crazy. I started reading all the stuff they provided but soon I realized this is not the end to my desire as well. I want something more and yet again, I began writing. There was a day during that time that I realized, I confirmed to myself that whatever life may bring before me, I’ll never quit writing... I’ll write for all my life.

This time, with strong determination, I again started reaching to various publishers. I made calls to them and asked about their procedures, wondering if somehow I can get a start. I started struggling for my dreams yet again. Dreams of not fame, but dreams of being with writing always! I used to lose hope, facing the rejections from the publishing houses I used to ponder if I really have a fault... but all this while, in these last two years, writing has made me learn something very important.

Patience is one of them. Having lost hope and then motivating myself all over again to rise like a shining star, writing has always been by my side, supporting me and has helped me understand that someday or the other, all your efforts pay.

It was just a week ago when I received a mail from a publishing house out of miracle and the publisher asked me to improve on my word count. I sat with my novel yet again, day and night, while sleeping and eating time, for I wanted to reach my goal and this somehow seemed to be the knock of opportunity I’ve been waiting for.

And it was just yesterday, when I finally compiled my full document I’ve been working upon all over again. This time it was near to 55 thousand words, a complete novelette and the first expression, the first gesture that my mind and heart both, gave out of sheer excitement and a stupendous satisfaction were tears in my eyes. These were not tears of pain, but tears of joy. I didn’t had anybody around me to whom I could have sung, it was just me and my writing that lay before my eyes and my eyes out of happiness and appreciation expressed what my heart and mind had to say. I was happy. I was... I am happy and I am satisfied.

Tears of joy, I never knew they were so amazing to be felt. This is indeed the first time when I had such a feeling. I guess I am still falling short of words to describe my actual situation. I am just happy that during the course of my life I’ve discovered something that solely belongs to me, that’ll always remain with me and something which will love me back exactly the same way as much as I’ll love it. 

Complete Contentment!!!

“It makes no sense, come-on... You’ve done enough of it. Now forget it. Not your cup of tea”

“But, I’ve just started. You can’t discourage me this way. You should indeed be happy and motivate me to move on.”

“You’ll see only failures in this field... you’ll never rise”

“One day... I will and then I’ll bang on, on your last statement”

“Stop giving yourself lame excuses and reasons to smile at or be happy about. You are not a good writer and you won’t be a successful one either. There are thousands other with the same dream out there in the market. What do you have to offer the people which the others don’t?”

“A new story... my story... my life... my perspective... mysteries.. There’s lot more... I can’t define it all to you in words here”

“Oh! And you think it will be a block-buster sort of thing? As if people have never heard about something like this before? Stop be-fooling yourself and get back to some serious work that’ll help you in your progress as an individual”

“But, I love writing. And I don’t have to think much about it. For now, being a novice, I do take time to pen down things... but that doesn’t mean I am bad at it.”

“Oh! So what do you exactly want out of all this?”

“A chance... for myself... the fact and contentment to live ahead in my life with no regrets.”

“REGRETS? About what?”

“About not being able to do something that was solely my. I am sure people can stop me from doing some other works. Being a girl I’ve faced that shit to some extent, of not being able to live up to what I actually want... but this writing solely belongs to me... Me, My writing, My thoughts... and even if you... my inner self doesn’t supports me... I’m going to crack you down and go ahead with this.”

“Ah!” smilingly “Now I feel that from past 6 months the way you’ve been questioning yourself in this same regard won’t bother you any longer and my task is over from now on. Enjoy your new life.”

“What do you mean?”

“haha.. Don’t you remember? All these past months and not to forget the past two years since you had that idea about your novel, you’ve always been asking me about your ability, about being able to captivate readers and at times you were so distressed that you don’t even used to listen to all the positive things that I used to tell you... you never used to touch the pen and diary for days... thinking you won’t be able to make it up and so you must stop with all this.”

“Ah! Yes... I do remember all that lot...” I replied with a bit of sarcasm.

“But, today... my task to guide you is over. This is satisfying. I feel happy to be with you... on your determination. I was trying to de-motivate you, demoralize you today... testing your determination and enthusiasm. Talking to oneself can at times lead to be quite satisfactory. What here is more enthralling is that, your self determination to write won’t lose now. Nobody can break it.”

“And how are you so sure about it?” I enquired eagerly

“When one can win an argument to oneself about anything that is annoying him/her... then there is nothing else the person actually wants out of him/herself. You finally have won this argument. And I can see the determination to never leave your writing aside.” Came a voice from my inner self. “Good luck dear.”

I smiled with complete contentment.