Shades of life - 01

It’s hard to take out time and sit and write. At times, I just find it boring, totally contrary to my otherwise happening life where I go out, shop, watch movies, roam around, eat, dance and do what not. But then when I actually sit and write, I realize the immense pleasure that I get from it, those subtle moments when I am with myself and those imaginary characters of mine. We, at times talk for hours and yet end up with nothing so fruitful. But then, this is fun in its own sense.

Tears of Joy!!!

If it was a dream, I wish to sleep forever and live it again and again. If it was real, I wish it to happen to me all over again.

I can still remember the time when I actually compiled my very first novel after working on it day and night for about 8 days in a row. As I go back and dig my drafts of my mail-box, I can see one of the very earliest drafts saved on the name of “novel-rough draft” dated 23^rd march, 2011. One year from then, I fought with myself, changed my mood almost daily... forget daily, every moment arguing with myself to either continue or not to continue with the novel. But, ultimately, in the end, even after one complete year, after endless fights with my inner soul, I had something ready with me which could be read by somebody and called like a very short novel- just some 37 thousand words long.

Not knowing what to do further, I thought to give it a try by sending it to publishers across the country. Slowly, I started receiving their replies... at times no replies. I was worried for some time, wondering if my skills were good enough to be published and presented in the market?!!

I used to give up... every third day, I would sit silently analyzing myself, analyzing what I want out of what I am doing. I would wonder if putting in efforts in what I write is worth enough. I wondered if ever I’ll go further in this field or not. I wondered if ever I’ll be able to make it big or not.

Months passed by... I started losing hope yet again. I would not touch my pen and diary or even my laptop and open the word document to write down anything for weeks. But then, there was something with me and my writing that I couldn’t resist. Somehow, after a few days, writing used to drag me to itself. It is captivating in that sense, sort of hypnotises me and I used to sit down again and think as a writer and write down something or the other. This continued for a while, until one day I thought to decide what I want out of all this?

I asked myself, if ever I’ll be able to live without writing? And the prompt answer that my inner-self shot on me was a “NO! NEVER!” For I know that I express well when I write. Thinking I’ll be able to give a halt to such desires, I enrolled myself to a distance-learning creative writing course. The day my course material arrived home, I was crazy... I was almost dancing like crazy. I started reading all the stuff they provided but soon I realized this is not the end to my desire as well. I want something more and yet again, I began writing. There was a day during that time that I realized, I confirmed to myself that whatever life may bring before me, I’ll never quit writing... I’ll write for all my life.

This time, with strong determination, I again started reaching to various publishers. I made calls to them and asked about their procedures, wondering if somehow I can get a start. I started struggling for my dreams yet again. Dreams of not fame, but dreams of being with writing always! I used to lose hope, facing the rejections from the publishing houses I used to ponder if I really have a fault... but all this while, in these last two years, writing has made me learn something very important.

Patience is one of them. Having lost hope and then motivating myself all over again to rise like a shining star, writing has always been by my side, supporting me and has helped me understand that someday or the other, all your efforts pay.

It was just a week ago when I received a mail from a publishing house out of miracle and the publisher asked me to improve on my word count. I sat with my novel yet again, day and night, while sleeping and eating time, for I wanted to reach my goal and this somehow seemed to be the knock of opportunity I’ve been waiting for.

And it was just yesterday, when I finally compiled my full document I’ve been working upon all over again. This time it was near to 55 thousand words, a complete novelette and the first expression, the first gesture that my mind and heart both, gave out of sheer excitement and a stupendous satisfaction were tears in my eyes. These were not tears of pain, but tears of joy. I didn’t had anybody around me to whom I could have sung, it was just me and my writing that lay before my eyes and my eyes out of happiness and appreciation expressed what my heart and mind had to say. I was happy. I was... I am happy and I am satisfied.

Tears of joy, I never knew they were so amazing to be felt. This is indeed the first time when I had such a feeling. I guess I am still falling short of words to describe my actual situation. I am just happy that during the course of my life I’ve discovered something that solely belongs to me, that’ll always remain with me and something which will love me back exactly the same way as much as I’ll love it. 

Feel to Escape

All of a sudden I feel to escape,

Out of the world, to an absolute new place

I want silence in my ears,

The people near are not clear.

I want a clear vision of the things around,

The reason I left from that party ground.

I want a feeling of being with me,

The reason I want to leave everybody and go,

Escape to solitude, escape to my world

Where I can listen to my inner self,

Where I can discover myself,

Where I can answer all my worries

All of a sudden I feel to escape,

Out of the world, to an absolute new place!!!

All Mine

I stammer, I bumble,
Envisioning myself, I, at times fumble,
But then, I yell out aloud,
“Yes! I’ll make it all happen”
And all of a sudden, all my weakness grumbles,
Trying to conceal somewhere at the corner,
I smile when it is palled to face my sureness,
I yell, yet one more time,
“I’ll do it, and you’ll see it!”
And I know then, my dreams are all mine...
All mine!!!

In concern with humanity- being a girl is a crime!

One of the posters at the protest read- “Am I just a body to be used?”

Yes! I am talking about the same heinous act by 6 men, which has indeed turned out to be national news. Friends, family, relatives... you look around yourself and you’ll find all the male well-wishers of a girl asking the girl to dress properly, return back home well on time, be in contact via one means or the other and so hence and so forth. But, I wonder... in this democratic nation which has set equal rights for one and all; to me more specific, equal rights for both men and women, why is being a woman still considered to be an offense?

Yes! Exactly, you heard it right; an offense! Until now I used to proud on myself, on being a girl, a lovely daughter, mischievous sister and with dreams on my eyes of being a wonderful wife and finally an onus lady and a proud mother. Mother, a term which is connected to the nerves of each and every person on this Earth; for, of all the relations on earth, this is the only relation which is 9 months longer than the rest. A mother bears all the pain to give birth to a child. Today, after this act by the brutal beasts, the second thought after questioning the humanity that rose in my mind was “didn’t these people thought about their mother? A lady who bought them in this world and gave them lives?”

But Christ! With the advancement that a fraction of our society is under-going in this country, a larger fraction seems to be deteriorating. Instead of all the education and civilization measures that are being promoted, why isn’t our country really progressing on the other side of such heinous acts? Every single day, we come across news depicting a girl committing suicide because of being raped, or a girl being buried to death at the same hour of her birth. Is this really a country which has “Right to equality” mentioned in its constitution?

I can see all my male friends mourning over this news, updating their facebook status to support girls but, will this really help? Will this change the way our government looks at such cases? Will this change the way the police respond to the rape victims? Will this stop the people from pointing out the victim when she is out on the streets to live and enjoy her life yet again?

Many questions still revolving in my head and I can find no solution to them. Before stepping out of my home, I need to think twice. I cannot trust anybody. A person, who offers me a smile the next time, will only appear to be a savage. I never thought being a girl, I will have to be so careful and restrict myself from all the happiness and joy of this world! For you never know, who the next victim could be? It could be anybody... you, me, or your friend. After all, the girl who faced all this lately wasn’t informed that she’ll be the next target. Moreover, what still surprises me the most is, our government has not yet taken any strict action against those morons! Out of rage and ager, am sure if those brutes are handed over to people, they won’t be able to see the next minute of their lives, and they’ll be killed then and there. But, I agree this isn’t the solution for the forth coming series of activities.

I wonder if such a strong law can ever be enforced which actually assures more safety to the girls in this country. This incidence has surely stirred the nation. But, I doubt before all the rage and anger neutralizes and people start living normally and this cycle repeats again, will I get to see some change in the reforms?!!!

Complete Contentment!!!

“It makes no sense, come-on... You’ve done enough of it. Now forget it. Not your cup of tea”

“But, I’ve just started. You can’t discourage me this way. You should indeed be happy and motivate me to move on.”

“You’ll see only failures in this field... you’ll never rise”

“One day... I will and then I’ll bang on, on your last statement”

“Stop giving yourself lame excuses and reasons to smile at or be happy about. You are not a good writer and you won’t be a successful one either. There are thousands other with the same dream out there in the market. What do you have to offer the people which the others don’t?”

“A new story... my story... my life... my perspective... mysteries.. There’s lot more... I can’t define it all to you in words here”

“Oh! And you think it will be a block-buster sort of thing? As if people have never heard about something like this before? Stop be-fooling yourself and get back to some serious work that’ll help you in your progress as an individual”

“But, I love writing. And I don’t have to think much about it. For now, being a novice, I do take time to pen down things... but that doesn’t mean I am bad at it.”

“Oh! So what do you exactly want out of all this?”

“A chance... for myself... the fact and contentment to live ahead in my life with no regrets.”

“REGRETS? About what?”

“About not being able to do something that was solely my. I am sure people can stop me from doing some other works. Being a girl I’ve faced that shit to some extent, of not being able to live up to what I actually want... but this writing solely belongs to me... Me, My writing, My thoughts... and even if you... my inner self doesn’t supports me... I’m going to crack you down and go ahead with this.”

“Ah!” smilingly “Now I feel that from past 6 months the way you’ve been questioning yourself in this same regard won’t bother you any longer and my task is over from now on. Enjoy your new life.”

“What do you mean?”

“haha.. Don’t you remember? All these past months and not to forget the past two years since you had that idea about your novel, you’ve always been asking me about your ability, about being able to captivate readers and at times you were so distressed that you don’t even used to listen to all the positive things that I used to tell you... you never used to touch the pen and diary for days... thinking you won’t be able to make it up and so you must stop with all this.”

“Ah! Yes... I do remember all that lot...” I replied with a bit of sarcasm.

“But, today... my task to guide you is over. This is satisfying. I feel happy to be with you... on your determination. I was trying to de-motivate you, demoralize you today... testing your determination and enthusiasm. Talking to oneself can at times lead to be quite satisfactory. What here is more enthralling is that, your self determination to write won’t lose now. Nobody can break it.”

“And how are you so sure about it?” I enquired eagerly

“When one can win an argument to oneself about anything that is annoying him/her... then there is nothing else the person actually wants out of him/herself. You finally have won this argument. And I can see the determination to never leave your writing aside.” Came a voice from my inner self. “Good luck dear.”

I smiled with complete contentment.

A part of me will always love you...

Let the world go by,

Let us move on in life,

But a part of me will always be yours,

A part of me will always love you...

Let me mingle with strangers,

Let me walk past our endeavour,

But a part of me will still long for you,

A part of me will always love you...

Let me share my mind with someone,

Or let me cry on somebody else’s shoulder,

But a part of me will always miss OUR time,

A part of me will always love you...

Let me ignore you and your presence,

Let me not talk to you when we are together,

But somewhere I know you still understand and know,

That a part of me will always loves you...

Let us part today,

Let us stay away,

But a part of me will always be yours,

A part of me will always love you...